Thursday, March 17, 2011

Episode 25: The Fu's Enjoy Some Hot, Wet, Sticky Success

Short notes...

We've been having a lot of fun lately.  We run down the last couple weeks of swinging success.
Shout outs to fellow Texan swinger podcasters LifeStyleLife and Boris & Doris, check them out at:
Boris & Doris

We talk about double blow jobs and a very hot hotel hook up... more to come??

Episode Music in honor of St Patrick's Day "Sayonara" by The Pogues

Wednesday, March 2, 2011

An Attempt to Explain the Female vs Male Bisexuality Double-Standard Among Swingers

Female bisexual behavior is considered almost de rigueur in the swinging lifestyle while male bisexual activity is generally considered unwelcome -- although not unknown.  This discrepancy has been getting much attention of late; potentially causing fissures in a community already embattled by those with opposing moral views.  In an effort to bring some perspective to the matter, I thought it would be useful to lend my view on why this discrepancy exists.  At the end of this examination I will detail where I stand on the argument.

The reason male bisexuality is discouraged in the lifestyle is to empower women.

Now bear with me...

The old chestnut in swinging is that women are in charge.  This, of course, is utter bullshit.  In the lifestyle, as in most other things, it is men and women making decisions together.  A relationship between two people, whether in the lifestyle or the vanilla world, consists of series of compromises, of give and take.  Otherwise none of us would be able to make even the smallest decisions as a couple to get things done in life without a fight, or worse yet, without resorting to deceit.  As they make these compromises, members of the couple will tend to fall into the same roles.  Negotiation tactics are developed for dealing with different situations.  This, in fact, is why the lifestyle works best for people with good communication skills and possess the ability to compromise; this is what makes strong relationships.  (An aside... I believe the lower divorce rate for marriages in the lifestyle has more to do with these skills than anything to do with sexual gratification.)

Entering the lifestyle is one of the most high-involvement decisions a couple will make.  Typically, the male-half wants sexual variety and the female, while also desirous, is hesitant to put the relationship at risk.  In order to gain her buy-in, the male assures her that she will get to "call the shots".  This is a legitimate tactic commonly employed outside of swinging.  You give a little in order to get a lot in return.

At swinger clubs, women will typically engage in bisexual play with each other.  During this time, the guys watch the action and wait to be allowed to join the game.  This is a way for women to call the shots.  It works on multiple levels.  First, when women play with other women they will more than likely have the undivided attention of the men; it gives them the opportunity to feel desired, which makes them feel good.  Next, it gives them the opportunity experience sexual novelty.  However, neither of these are the most important reason, which is that it allows the women to decide with whom their partner will have sex.  The women, are in-effect, vetting potential sexual partners for the men.  If the woman does not play with a woman, odds are neither will her partner.  Further, even after having played with another woman, if the female half of the couple feels that the other woman could be a threat to the relationship, the other woman would be discarded as a potential play partner for the male half.  However, if all goes well, then male-half will be allowed to have sex with the other woman.  The female half calls the shots, and that was bargain.

The best part is that it works.  After all, most men are happy "just to be there".  The mere possibility of having sex with another partner keeps men interested.  This explains why it costs twice as much for single men to join a swinger club than it does for a couple or for a single woman to join -- and the single men are always there!  Just being there is gratifying, and if something were to happen?  All the better.

Men playing other men breaks the deal.  By doing so, men would be taking back some of the control they yielded to their partners.  It messes with the dynamic because women would no longer be the gate keepers of the men's sexual activities and thus would feel like they are adding risk to the relationship.  Swingers have cultural understanding of this dynamic and this is why they protect it.  It's not done at a conscious level; it's simply a case of, "We've arrived at this point, and it's working."

So where do I stand on whether or not male bisexual behavior should be more widely accepted in the lifestyle?  I contend that it is tacitly accepted and regarded as another natural variation in the lifestyle.  The reason we don't see more of it is because it done exclusively in private between consenting parties, and not in the open, where the current, functioning dynamic is holding the whole works together.  In other words, you will rarely, if ever, see it at a swinger club.

My wife and I love swinging and while we love intimate encounters with other couples in a private setting, we would like to continue to be able to go to clubs and meet new couples.  I am a very sexually open person and will advocate anyone's right to sexual self-expression, however if discouraging male bisexual behavior at the swinger clubs means more people will enter the lifestyle, then I am, much to my chagrin, on board with it.

I hope this rant adds to this discussion and helps clarify my position on this delicate topic.

(In an attempt to reach a broader readership, I've asked that this entry be cross-posted on Life on the Swingset)

Tuesday, March 1, 2011

Be realistic about mythical creatures... A unicorn speaks out


just a quick note to say that I listened to the most recent podcast and the unicorn talk resonated with me of course! The idea that couples are looking for the omni-available but not clingy , experienced but probably not nasty, and oh-so beautiful woman to share their bed made me laugh a bit bitterly.  It probably resonated all the more so because I just had to get a little rude with an ex-possible couple.  I say couple but it was always the guy who was in contact and he would not fuck off when told to do so nicely!  I originally made the rookie mistake of hanging on and thinking that he would get a clue and because I thought his wife was both hot and nice.  Stupid me, but in hindsight my main bitch was that I had to be perfect for them (him?) in word and deed but it seemed like my feelings and requests were, in ascending order of gravity, not understood, not listened to or just dismissed out of hand.  Perhaps an extreme case but my advice to couples looking for a unicorn is to not only to put yourself in her shoes but to use those 'famous' communication skills that are so good between swinging partners and actually ask her what she feels about the situation and what she wants.  Act on the information if it lines up with what you want.  If it isn't a fit for you then be cool and direct about it when you explain why. 

End of rant!  Please feel free to forward, publish or reference as much as you want,

Our response...

Dearest C,

Thanks for your thoughts.  I'm sorry you had to get rude with that guy.  People can be very insensitive and we feel badly when anyone is mistreated in the lifestyle.  The unicorn is a vital component to swinging, not only for the couples who seek them but also for the rest of us.  The reason is because the idea of being with a single woman brings more people into the lifestyle; people see it as an easy first step.  I don't happen to agree that it's an easy step; in fact, I think that trying to be with a single woman is probably one of the most difficult things for a couple to negotiate and probably should be done only after the couple has had more experience.

I think the primary reasons why new couples want to be with a single woman are because the man wants to have sex with another woman and the woman wants to have sex with someone other than their husband, and another woman is the only situation her husband finds "acceptable".  This is not an equal state of affairs and selfishly motivated.  While I think that there is also smaller contingent of women who are genuinely interested in having sex with another woman.  However, I think that this is still not motivated out of the desire to have a shared experience with the unicorn.

Next, there are problems with a new couple engaging in a three-way dynamic.  A couple gets used to having sex with each other, adding a third can be exciting and novels, but it also means that, at times, one of the members of the couple will be unoccupied.  Now, while most men know how to "entertain" themselves while the two women get it on, it has been my experience that there is nothing that kills the mood quicker than when a woman feels neglected in the bedroom.  So be it the woman in the couple or the unicorn, great care must be taken to ensure that the woman who is not actively engaged in the encounter feels included and cared for.  Otherwise, things will cool off quickly.  After all, no woman wants to reflect on whether or not they made the right decision to be in this encounter while the other two people are having sex in front of her.

Again, thank you for your thoughts and giving me the opportunity to reflect on this topic with new eyes.  Keep your chin up and thanks for being a great example of a single woman in the lifestyle.

Best and warmest,

Mr Swap Fu

Episode 24: Two Swingers Realign or The Boobie Game Examined

Swap Fu would like to thank all our loyal listeners!  Tell your swinger friends about us and please give us positive feedback on iTunes if you have a second.  It takes no time, really.

  1. Mr Swap Fu is a Texas Nerd, so we talk about BBQ Tech
  2. Praise to the informed Swingers out there
  3. Swinger dating sites are an under-utilized resource
  4. The swinger dating sites need better travel discussion modules
  5. Will Swap Fu ever speak at a swinger takeover event?
  6. Will Swap Fu ever GO to a swinger takeover?
  7. Making time for our vanilla friends
  8. The Return to the "Other Club".  How did it go?
  9. The Fu's discuss the Boobie Game and propose a theory about why it exists.
  10. Did we tell you always have to have Plan B?

It's our last episode before Mardi Gras!  Episode music, "Here to Stay" by the Rebirth Brass Band